An Exclusive Interview with The Dark Knight, Part One

Thursday, August 7, 2008

To say that he likes to avoid discussing his private life would be an understatement. After several unsuccessful attempts at arranging an interview with The Dark Knight, I finally met up with him at a classified place of his choosing. Extreme spoilers abound.

Mike: "Thank you for meeting with me this evening."

The Batman: "It's a pleasure."

Mike: "Excuse me?"

The Batman: "I said it's a pleasure."

Mike: "Sounds like you have a bit of a sore throat."

The Batman: "The voice is part of my persona."

Mike: "It must take a toll on your vocal chords to keep that up all the time."

The Batman: "Lozenges help. Smell the menthol?"

Mike: "Indeed. So by now you've probably heard the rumor about your true identity."

The Batman: "I have."

Mike: "Any truth to it? Are you really George W. Bush?"

The Batman: "I'm whomever Gotham needs me to be."

Mike: "Does Gotham need George W. Bush?"

The Batman: "You'll have to do better than that."

Mike: "Do you believe torture yields good results?"

The Batman: "It depends on how you define 'torture.'"

Mike: "Do you believe you got good results from repeatedly punching a clown in the face, throwing him against several walls and beating him until he finally gives you the information he'd planned to give you all along, information that ultimately leads to the death of the only love in your life?"

The Batman: "If only Gordon had let me waterboard the fucker..."

Mike: "Let's suppose The Joker blew up Wayne Tower, killing thousands of people. Would you bomb The Penguin's lair in response?

The Batman: "It's an established fact that those two have worked together."

Mike: "Have you ever made up words or phrases like, 'misunderestimated,' 'Evil-Doer' or 'strategery?'

The Batman: "Does 'weaponized hallucinogens' count?"

Mike: "It's a start. I want to talk a little bit about wiretapping and eavesdropping. There's a rumor that you engineered a device allowing you to monitor anyone with a cell phone. True?"

The Batman: "No, I didn't engineer it. I 'supported' its construction. In any case, the device is no longer operable."

Mike: "Why should we believe you?"

The Batman: "You can trust me."

Mike: "A wise man once said, 'Trust, but verify.'

The Batman: "Ah, yes. Ronald Reagan."

Mike: "Actually he was quoting a Russian proverb, 'doveryai, no proveryai'."

The Batman: "You're starting to annoy me."

Mike: "Here, have a Ricola."

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Mike

***

George Carlin: The Thoughtful Curmudgeon

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Few post Generation X'ers remember the days when HBO was not broadcast 24 hours a day. Even I was but a small child. I remember a summer routine of ours in 1981, when we'd come home from a day of sunburn and swimming pools, greeted by the air conditioning and a tiny television set, marvelling at cable TV.

Mom had splurged on the fledgling movie channel. During the mornings and afternoons, HBO would display a countdown until their programming would begin for the evening, sometimes showing movie previews in a little section of the screen as the countdown continued.

In the early days of HBO, there were typically three types of programming: movies, boxing and George Carlin specials. A child's secret mission was to skim through the HBO guide every month, pinpoint the R-rated and adult-oriented shows whose descriptions contained especially filthy-sounding, italicized parental warnings like "nudity, strong sexual content, profanity," and then pick a discreet time to sneak downstairs to the TV and bask in all its glorious obscenity. George Carlin's stand-up routines were a regular pick of mine.

If Steve Martin was the father of comedic influence for our generation, with his innocent brand of goofiness, Carlin was the curmudgeonly grandfather. He was the guy that kids liked to hang around just to get a giggle every time he masterfully used the "F" word.

One of George Carlin's earliest HBO specials was Carlin at Carnegie Hall. It was an especially memorable event for me because it was the one in which he'd expanded his "seven curse word" list to more than a hundred. Science has since acknowledged that there was a significant spike in the use of the phrase, "pecker tracks" among pre-teens shortly after the first broadcast.

Carlin was known for an especially dark streak in later years. He openly admitted that he had little hope for the future of humanity. Technology and engineering, he said, had become the driving force of our society at the expense of everything else. "I hope I live long enough to watch it all collapse, just for the fun of it," he'd stated on an airing of Inside the Actor's Studio. "If the world ever really blows up, I hope it happens east of me, so that I can watch on CNN for a long time before the prevailing winds bring the thing back around to me."

Despite his cynicism (or "realism," as he'd put it), Carlin shared keen observations about our daily life that always struck a chord in people. He made you look at mundane routines or things you'd taken for granted and forced you to alter your perspective of them forever.

So long, George. Here's hoping you've now got box seats to life's freak show.

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Mike

***

Clinton and Obama Meet Star Wars

Monday, June 9, 2008

Overheard somewhere on Earth...

"I'm so disgusted that Obama is now the Democratic candidate. Hillary Clinton best represented my beliefs and values and if she isn't going to represent the Democratic party, I'll just have to vote for John McCain."

Overheard in a galaxy far, far away...

"Leia was my choice for leading the Rebellion and now that they've eliminated her from the race, I just don't know what I'm going to do. I mean, c'mon! Some nerf-herder like Lando Calrissian won't have what it takes to take on the likes of the Empire! If I can't vote for Leia, then I'm just going to have to switch to the Dark Side and support Darth Vader.

"Sure, Emperor Palpatine duped the Galaxy into believing we were in danger and, yes, we let him build his Death Star, despite the heavy cost and loss of life. But how bad could Vader, his potential successor, really be?"

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Mike

***

It Was 30 Years Ago Today

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

I awoke that sunny Saturday morning on the couch. My brother and I had both fallen asleep there, I on one end and he on the other. We'd been waiting for Dad to bring home pizza after he got off work.

He never arrived.

My grandmother met my gaze solemnly as I raised my head from an arm of the couch. She had taken a kitchen chair and sat nearby, watching over and waiting for us to awaken. I was the first.

Grandma did not speak to me as I stood to peek into the kitchen. There were a number of adult friends and family members in there, taking turns hugging my sobbing mother.

Continuing down the hallway, I reached Mom and Dad's bedroom. Dad's side of the bed was both empty and pristine.

I backpeddled up the hall to my bedroom and shut the door. My young brain couldn't quite figure it out, but clearly something was wrong and I knew Dad was involved.

Mom entered a few minutes later, her face still wet with tears. Closing the door behind her, she sat on a nearby chair and motioned for me to climb in her lap.

She held me for a moment, gently stroking my hair, as though to console the both of us. She spoke softly, and I was surprised when I realized she'd begun telling me a story. She spoke of life, about how people grow up and older and, either through natural causes or by accident, leave this earth to go to heaven. Then she paused.

"Daddy...is dead," she whispered slowly, rocking us gently in the chair. She went on to explain that he was involved in a motorcycle accident and now watched over my brother and me.

She lifted me down from her perch and quietly left the bedroom to return to our guests. I sat there alone, staring blankly at my closet peppered with toys. Near me was a Six Million Dollar Man doll Dad had gotten me for Christmas. I gingerly picked it up, running my fingers over its plastic face, over the bionic eye. In a second, the doll came to symbolize my father and I threw it into the closet with all my might before bursting into tears.

It was an incredibly surreal series of events for a child's mind to process. It was an age at which I had only recently come to comprehend the concept of death.

April 29, 1978 changed my life forever. I would go on to spend the rest of my childhood and adolescence without a significant father figure. For 30 years I've wondered what kind of man I'd be had my father survived. Perhaps it will take me another 30 to realize that I'll never know.

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Mike

***

Barack Obama Inaugural Address*

Sunday, March 2, 2008

"My fellow citizens, I humbly and graciously accept the great challenge you have bestowed upon me as your President. These are unquestionably trying times for every American. In the last eight years, we have witnessed events no woman, man or child should. We have faced societal and financial hardships no American deserves to face. Yet we have endured.

"And it is this great test of endurance that has given us the tools necessary to face the challenges that lie ahead. The tests of the future require changes we as Americans may not be comfortable making. But it is these changes that will surely make us stronger.

"During my campaign, many of my fellow Americans questioned my motives. They questioned my faith in Oh Mighty God. They believed me to be a radical Muslim in disguise. We fought hard to discount their belief and it is only now clear that we have succeeded. For you have giving me the opportunity to stand here before you today and say: They were right.

"Yes, my fellow Americans, I am a radical Muslim. I believe in the great Jihad against the Western world. You have all fallen victim to the best orchestrated hoax in the history of history, for I am not who I've claimed. Indeed, fellow citizens, I am Barack Hussein Obama, defender of our great leader Osama Bin Laden. My leader and I spent years carefully planning this most ambitious ruse. Like the mythological city of Troy, so shall the Western ideal fall to our Trojan Horse.

"Behold this book in my hand, the book that I was, only moments ago, sworn in on, is in fact the Holy Bible only in cover. For inside, the pages are actually those of the true Holy Book, the Qur'an.

"Now make room for my collective freedom fighters. As I speak, they have moved in to surround the Capitol. There is no escape for you now. We have spent years infiltrating your Army; your Navy; your Air Force; your Marines. With my inauguration, the circle is finally complete.

"Do not resist, my fellow brothers and sisters, for a new day dawns in this great land. Henceforth, the United States of America will be known as the United Muslim States of America. We will be distributing to every citizen a set of guidelines they must follow as we enter this great, new era for our country.

"As your President, I understand that with change comes resistance. Do not fear these changes; they were inevitable. Soon you will understand a truer meaning to life as a Muslim. We will band together as never before. We shall abandon technological pursuits in favor of a simpler, more harmonious co-existence with our environment. We will remove Western armies from our ancient Muslim lands.

"Join us, my fellow Americans. To coin a phrase from your last President, 'You're either with us or against us.'"

* Yes, folks, this is pure satire. It is not meant as a slight against Muslims. It is meant to poke fun at those who actually believe electing Obama will result in the above scenario. Thank you, and good night.

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Mike

***

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